Just Try

I have been struggling with a depressive episode for the last few months. This means that I’m not sleeping, my brain is foggy, my entire body hurts, and getting dressed and remembering to eat breakfast are major accomplishments. To be honest sleep is always an issue. When I’m manic everything is loud and fast and chaotic in my brain. It’s hard to slow it down enough to sleep. During a depressive episode all I want to do is sleep. But my brain is slow, foggy, jumbled, overly worried, and often dark. So even depressed I can’t sleep. 

The last few months has been hard, and I’ve struggled to do the simplest daily activities.  When I, my brain. I also think the tactile part of baking is very soothing. Taking up photography has helped in a different way. The camera forces me to move outside my surroundings. At the very least view them differently. Setting up the camera and settings, looking at light, and the editing of the pictures helps to push out the negative thoughts and the brain fog. Our weather has been cold and cloudy so taking pictures has been difficult lately. Last week the moon was full, and I was super excited we had a small break in the clouds so I could take some pictures. I set up both cameras, adjusted and readjusted the settings and took multiple pictures. Because the moon was full and bright, I had to do a ton of trial and error to get enough light blocked out to get any detail on the moon.  It was freezing cold out but I ended up with a few nice ones.  The following day was calm and sunny out. The first day of sunshine in a long, long while. I forced myself to pack up cameras, and head out for a walk in the woods. It took me forever to get going but I knew I would feel better if I did.  It was a beautiful day and by the time I took an hour or two walk I didn’t even notice how exhausted and depressed I was. I saw geese, a variety of different ducks and tons of other birds. I took a hundred or, so pictures and I was very excited to get home to download them. As soon as the first picture came up on screen, I knew I messed up. I forgot to change the settings on my camera from the moon ones the night before. Every single picture was completely black. I couldn’t even edit the mistake away. An entire afternoon gone. I was so mad. I felt so stupid. What a waste.  And then someone pointed out that the day was a learning opportunity and still a small victory. After all I did make it out of the house. I did get dressed, eat breakfast, and walk through the woods. Things that sadly have felt like monumentally difficult things recently. I also learned a valuable lesson. CHECK CAMERA SETTINGS! I’m sure I’m not the only person that has forgotten to do that.  So, I took a deep breath. I tried to take comfort in the fact that I tried and next time I will do better. So, this weekend I packed back up, went out and took some more pictures. Some turned out, some didn’t and that’s ok. It was a small moment of relief from the depressive swing, and I enjoyed the outdoors. Now, if only I could sleep. 

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